I am being considered for two experimental brain surgeries for depression at Toronto's Sunnybrook Hospital. After nine years of suffering from depression and associated anxiety, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully one of these surgeries will end my suffering.
I am early in the process of being approved for one of these surgeries. I have met with one psychiatrist at Sunnybrook, who said that I am a candidate. That is good. I still have to meet with another psychiatrist and then, if he approves, meet with the neurosurgeon who will perform the surgery. I am hopeful that I will be approved for one of these two surgeries. If I am not approved, then this will be a short blog detailing my utter disappointment. If I am approved, this blog will document my journey over the next few months before receiving the surgery, my recovery and hopeful cure that could, in fact, still take years.
So, what surgeries am I considering? There are two. They are both experimental and I will have to qualify for the current research study in one of them to be approved. I can only have one surgery performed. The first surgery that I am considering is called Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) and it involves drilling a couple of holes in my skull and inserting electrodes in my brain that will hopefully change my thought patterns and cure my of my depression. This surgery has been used for years to help Parkinson's Disease patients deal with their symptoms, but it is still experimental for depression. About a third of the people who get this surgery go into complete remission, about a third get somewhat better and about a third do not get any results. You can see more information in the following video:
The second surgery that I am considering is called Focused Ultrasound Surgery (FUS). This surgery uses focused ultrasound waves to create a lesion in the brain and hopefully change my thought patterns. You can see more information in the following video:
The FUS surgery is more risky than the DBS surgery. It hasn't been performed as much as they have only performed the surgery on 5 patients in North America and they don't have a lot of data on its effectiveness. It also creates a permanent lesion, or damage, in the brain. For these reasons, I am definitely leaning towards wanting the DBS surgery. It seems less risky and they have much more experience doing the surgery.
How long have I been suffering? It's been about 9 years since I was first diagnosed with depression, but I believe it goes further back than that. About 11 years ago my wife and I switched roles. She went back to work and I stayed home to look after our two sons. One of the reasons that we decided to make this change was that over the previous couple of years I had been experiencing increasing job dissatisfaction. At the time I didn't think anything of it, but looking back on it, I now believe that was the beginnings of my feelings of depression. I have probably been suffering for about 13 years in total.
Why am I considering having brain surgery for my depression? Well, let me explain to you what my life is like with my depression. The first thing I should mention about how depression feels is that almost everyone who has depression has a lack of ability to feel joy. This symptom even has a name. It is called anhedonia. This is a core feeling in depression and I believe most of the other feelings spread from that. I can't feel joy in anything that I do.
Another key feeling that most people with depression have is a feeling of worthlessness. This is a very strong feeling that makes me think that I am not a good person, not a good husband and not a good father.
Springing from these feelings is a sense of guilt. A feeling that I am somehow responsible for everything that I am going through.
Most people think that depression is just a feeling of sadness. However, not everyone that is depressed feels sadness. I do feel very intense sadness though. Some days the sadness is worse than other days, but it is always there. I cry a lot.
One of the most debilitating feelings is the lethargy that I feel. I have trouble doing anything except laying on the couch and napping. I have no energy to do anything.
I used to consider myself to be fairly smart and able to solve most problems that came my way. Over the past number of years though, I have lost that feeling. I can no longer figure out simple things that I used to be able to do with ease. I feel like I have lost my intelligence.
Some people with depression experience a reprieve from it every now and then. They will have good days and bad days, or they won't feel the depression for a few months, or perhaps it will depend upon the season. For me however, it has been constant over the past number of years, with no reprieve at all. Nothing has made it better.
I have also been unlucky enough to feel anxiety in addition to my depression. I get anxious about everything that I do. Some days I feel more anxious than depressed, other days I feel more depressed than anxious. This, combined with the lethargy, makes doing anything very difficult. There is very little that I can do on my own.
Finally, there is an overwhelming sense that I am never going to get better. Especially now that I have tried almost every type of treatment available and am hoping to be approved for neurosurgery, I have lost hope that I can ever get better. I feel like there is something wrong with my brain that is making me feel this way.
What else have I tried? I have tried almost everything. My psychiatrist is running out of things to try. I have tried somewhere around 43 different medications. I have tried everything from natural to pharmaceutical. I have tried everything from turmeric to ketamine. All of them have either not worked or had side effects that made them unsuitable.
I have tried several rounds of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and talk therapy, with limited success.
I have tried Low Energy Neurofeedback System (LENS) and the Fisher-Wallace Stimulator with no success.
I have tried Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) or electroshock treatments at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH). Unfortunately after my third treatment I went into a rare "acute confusional state" and was left totally confused for a few days. We tried it again and this time after six treatments I again became confused and they would not consider me for any further ECT treatments.
I tried an eight-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, that left me feeling just confused.
I tried exercising every day, but that did nothing for me. I also tried essential oils, which also did nothing.
I had repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation done. This involved going down to Toronto Western Hospital for 28 straight business days to get magnetic pulses directed at my brain in the hopes of changing my thought patterns. It did nothing.
So, as you can see I have tried many different types of therapies and treatments, with none of them working, and that is why I am considering the more extreme option of trying experimental brain surgery.
I will be updating this blog as my journey continues. Hopefully it will lead me to a cure.
