Christmas With Severe Depression

As I wrote in my last blog post, this past week I had my one month follow-up appointment for the Magnetic Resonance-guided Focused Ultrasound Surgery (MRgFUS) I had for my Treatment Resistant Depression.  One of the things that we did at this follow-up appointment was to redo the psychiatric scales that we also did before I had the surgery.  This is to determine whether I am starting to improve and my depression is decreasing, or if I am holding steady.  As I have mentioned before, they don't expect any changes until three months to a year after the surgery, so to see anything this soon would be remarkable.

As I wrote back when I originally did the psychiatric scales, all of the tests that I did showed that I was suffering from severe depression.  There were three tests that I did that measure the level of depression with which I am suffering.  The first one was the Hamilton Rating Scale for Depression (HAM-D).  Originally, I received a score of 25 on this test.  Now my score is 24.  Scores of greater than or equal to 23 indicate a very severe depression.  Thus, I have scored a slight improvement according to this test.  The second test that I did was the Montgomery–Åsberg Depression Rating Scale (MADRS).  Originally, I received a score of 36 on this test.  Now my score is 38.  Scores of greater than 34 indicate severe depression.  So, I am getting slightly worse according to this test.  Finally I did the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI).  Originally, I received a score of 36 on this test.  However, now my score is 37.  Scores of greater than or equal to 29 indicate severe depression.  Thus, I also am getting slightly worse according to this test.  Overall, these test scores indicate that I am not improving, but not getting substantially worse, which matches with the way that I have been feeling.  Hence, the surgery has had no effect on me as of yet, I am still suffering from severe depression.

This is very discouraging.  I know that I am not supposed to feel anything this early on in the process, but I was hopeful that I would start to feel a slight shift at least by Christmas.  Christmas is a time of celebration in which we are supposed to get together with and enjoy the company of family and friends.  Celebrating Christmas with severe depression is very difficult.  It magnifies the negative feelings that you are experiencing, at a time when you have to wear a mask to hide those feelings. 

It may just be the Christmas season bringing me down, but I don't feel hopeful about this surgery.  I don't feel like it will help me get better.  I am concerned that I might have made a mistake in having this surgery.  I don't know how I am going to get through the next 11 months if I don't start getting better.  The neurosurgeon and psychiatrist that I met with this week were still very hopeful that I will start to feel something within the next few months, but I can't say that I share their optimism.  If I had started to feel even a slight shift in my mood, then I could be optimistic, but at this point I am concerned that I will never get better, and that's not a good feeling with which to be going into the Christmas season.