Today is two months since I had my Magnetic Resonance-guided Focused Ultrasound Surgery (MRgFUS) for my Treatment Resistant Depression (TRD). I had hoped that I would have felt something improve by this point in time, but I haven't noticed any improvement. In fact, over the past couple of weeks, I would say that my depression has actually gotten worse.
As I keep saying, the doctors do not expect me to notice any improvement in my condition for at least three months to a year after having the surgery. Therefore, it is perhaps not surprising that I haven't noticed any change yet. However, my mood over the past couple of weeks has gotten worse, as I have noticed an increase in my lethargy and lack of motivation, as well as in my feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and loneliness. I find it increasingly difficult to get through each day.
My wife, however, sees this as something positive. When we met with Dr. Levitt, the psychiatrist for the research project in which I am taking part, he said that often people get worse before they get better when they have this surgery. Thus, it is possible that what I am experiencing now is a prelude to me getting better at some point. On the other hand, it may just be that I am getting worse and that the surgery has had no effect. There is no way to tell and that is the hard part.
Another point that Dr. Levitt made was that the results of the surgery may be subtle. I may not get better from the surgery itself, but the surgery may make medications that haven't worked in the past start to work for me. Thus, at some point, if I don't get any better, I will have to start retrying all of the medications that I have tried before to see if something works now. That could take a long time.
I am scheduled in for my three month follow-up appointment on February 12. At that time I will meet with Dr. Levitt as well as the study neurosurgeon and I will have psychiatric scales done again to see if I am improving or not. Finally I will have an MRI to see what is happening with the lesions that they created during the surgery.
So, that's where I am after two months. I'm getting worse and not seeing any improvement. That may be a sign that I will get better, or it may not. I still have a long road ahead of me.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Monday, January 7, 2019
Seven Weeks
Well, today has been seven weeks since I had my Magnetic Resonance-guided Focused Ultrasound Surgery (MRgFUS) to help treat my depression. Except for my psychiatrist noticing a slight decrease in my anxiety, I haven't noticed any change in my depressive symptoms, or in my anxiety. I must say that I am disappointed in the results thus far. I was hoping that I would have noticed something shifting by now. I have to remember, like I keep saying, that it can take three months to a year before any improvement is noticed in the depression of an MRgFUS patient. When every day is a struggle though, three months to a year can seem like a lifetime. Already, the seven weeks that I have been waiting has seemed like a long time to wait.
Today was especially difficult, because it was not only the seven week mark since my surgery, but both of my boys went back to school after the Christmas break. One of them is in university and has been off of school for close to a month, and the other one is in his final year of high school and has been out of school for a couple of weeks. Thus, this was the first day in close to a month that I spent most of the day alone.
Days spent alone are really tough to deal with for someone suffering from depression. The lethargy, hopelessness, worthlessness and loneliness really settle in. As I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts, I had started to watch a free, online MIT course in economics, to take my mind off of the waiting for surgery to take effect. I finished up that course yesterday, and I must say that it was a struggle. I didn't have difficulty following each lecture on its own, but following 26 straight lectures was a challenge with my diminished intellectual capacity due to my depression. I don't think that I could watch another course. It's just too difficult and I didn't get as much positive benefits from watching a course in a topic in which I am interested as I thought that I would get. Keeping my mind occupied is a real challenge when I have trouble maintaining my concentration, as many people with depression do.
I don't see the neurosurgeon and study psychiatrist that have been following me since before the surgery until three months after the surgery. That should bring me to sometime near the end of February. I really hope that I will notice a change in my mood by that point. It will probably be another five or six weeks before I see them and that just seems like a very long time. I know that in comparison to the close to a decade that I have been dealing with this depression, it isn't long to wait, but when you are waiting for something to happen and trying to deal with all of the difficulties that depression brings, every day is a struggle.
After reading an article recommended to me by a friend, I bought a book this weekend by the author of that article that explores what the author believes to be the root causes of depression and how to deal with them. I don't know if I am going to be able to read that book. Not only do I lack the mental concentration required to read something like that, but I think that I would find reading a book on that topic very stressful. For better or for worse, I am headed down this path to try and get better. I think that reading about the author's opinion on alternative methods of treatment would cause me to second guess myself and lead me into despair. I want to try any method available to get better, I'm just not sure that I am in a good place to try them right now. I don't know. I will have to see if I can get the courage up to read that book.
Thus, I find myself at the seven week mark to be no better off than I was before the surgery. I'm still struggling with the symptoms and trying to find a way to get better, but limited by my own shortcomings. Hopefully things will turn around soon.
Today was especially difficult, because it was not only the seven week mark since my surgery, but both of my boys went back to school after the Christmas break. One of them is in university and has been off of school for close to a month, and the other one is in his final year of high school and has been out of school for a couple of weeks. Thus, this was the first day in close to a month that I spent most of the day alone.
Days spent alone are really tough to deal with for someone suffering from depression. The lethargy, hopelessness, worthlessness and loneliness really settle in. As I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts, I had started to watch a free, online MIT course in economics, to take my mind off of the waiting for surgery to take effect. I finished up that course yesterday, and I must say that it was a struggle. I didn't have difficulty following each lecture on its own, but following 26 straight lectures was a challenge with my diminished intellectual capacity due to my depression. I don't think that I could watch another course. It's just too difficult and I didn't get as much positive benefits from watching a course in a topic in which I am interested as I thought that I would get. Keeping my mind occupied is a real challenge when I have trouble maintaining my concentration, as many people with depression do.
I don't see the neurosurgeon and study psychiatrist that have been following me since before the surgery until three months after the surgery. That should bring me to sometime near the end of February. I really hope that I will notice a change in my mood by that point. It will probably be another five or six weeks before I see them and that just seems like a very long time. I know that in comparison to the close to a decade that I have been dealing with this depression, it isn't long to wait, but when you are waiting for something to happen and trying to deal with all of the difficulties that depression brings, every day is a struggle.
After reading an article recommended to me by a friend, I bought a book this weekend by the author of that article that explores what the author believes to be the root causes of depression and how to deal with them. I don't know if I am going to be able to read that book. Not only do I lack the mental concentration required to read something like that, but I think that I would find reading a book on that topic very stressful. For better or for worse, I am headed down this path to try and get better. I think that reading about the author's opinion on alternative methods of treatment would cause me to second guess myself and lead me into despair. I want to try any method available to get better, I'm just not sure that I am in a good place to try them right now. I don't know. I will have to see if I can get the courage up to read that book.
Thus, I find myself at the seven week mark to be no better off than I was before the surgery. I'm still struggling with the symptoms and trying to find a way to get better, but limited by my own shortcomings. Hopefully things will turn around soon.
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