Seven Weeks

Well, today has been seven weeks since I had my Magnetic Resonance-guided Focused Ultrasound Surgery (MRgFUS) to help treat my depression.  Except for my psychiatrist noticing a slight decrease in my anxiety, I haven't noticed any change in my depressive symptoms, or in my anxiety.  I must say that I am disappointed in the results thus far.  I was hoping that I would have noticed something shifting by now.  I have to remember, like I keep saying, that it can take three months to a year before any improvement is noticed in the depression of an MRgFUS patient.  When every day is a struggle though, three months to a year can seem like a lifetime.  Already, the seven weeks that I have been waiting has seemed like a long time to wait.

Today was especially difficult, because it was not only the seven week mark since my surgery, but both of my boys went back to school after the Christmas break.  One of them is in university and has been off of school for close to a month, and the other one is in his final year of high school and has been out of school for a couple of weeks.  Thus, this was the first day in close to a month that I spent most of the day alone.

Days spent alone are really tough to deal with for someone suffering from depression.  The lethargy, hopelessness, worthlessness and loneliness really settle in.  As I mentioned in some of my earlier blog posts, I had started to watch a free, online MIT course in economics, to take my mind off of the waiting for surgery to take effect.  I finished up that course yesterday, and I must say that it was a struggle.  I didn't have difficulty following each lecture on its own, but following 26 straight lectures was a challenge with my diminished intellectual capacity due to my depression.  I don't think that I could watch another course.  It's just too difficult and I didn't get as much positive benefits from watching a course in a topic in which I am interested as I thought that I would get.  Keeping my mind occupied is a real challenge when I have trouble maintaining my concentration, as many people with depression do.

I don't see the neurosurgeon and study psychiatrist that have been following me since before the surgery until three months after the surgery.  That should bring me to sometime near the end of February.  I really hope that I will notice a change in my mood by that point.  It will probably be another five or six weeks before I see them and that just seems like a very long time.  I know that in comparison to the close to a decade that I have been dealing with this depression, it isn't long to wait, but when you are waiting for something to happen and trying to deal with all of the difficulties that depression brings, every day is a struggle.

After reading an article recommended to me by a friend, I bought a book this weekend by the author of that article that explores what the author believes to be the root causes of depression and how to deal with them.  I don't know if I am going to be able to read that book.  Not only do I lack the mental concentration required to read something like that, but I think that I would find reading a book on that topic very stressful.  For better or for worse, I am headed down this path to try and get better.  I think that reading about the author's opinion on alternative methods of treatment would cause me to second guess myself and lead me into despair.  I want to try any method available to get better, I'm just not sure that I am in a good place to try them right now.  I don't know.  I will have to see if I can get the courage up to read that book.

Thus, I find myself at the seven week mark to be no better off than I was before the surgery.  I'm still struggling with the symptoms and trying to find a way to get better, but limited by my own shortcomings.  Hopefully things will turn around soon.